Funny Turns — Returns” Dave Moylan 17th December 2018

How do you write a blog on a magi­cian? Well. Here goes.

This was Dave’s third end of year talk to us in suc­ces­sion, (which speaks for itself), put­ting us well and truly in the hol­i­day mood, with another, and dif­fer­ent, enter­tain­ing per­form­ance of magic, comedy and music.

As a Jeremy Corbyn look-alike, he star­ted with some magic involving cards, money and sleight of hand. Awesome!

Max Miller songs and jokes fol­lowed :-

- The boy who was told to stop biting his nails, or else he would get fat. He met a preg­nant lady and stared at her, and she said ‘What’s the matter with you?’. He replied ‘Nothing, but I know what you’ve been up to!’

- He was on Countdown once with the girl in the short skirt, who has taken over from Carol Vorderman. He got excited – a seven letter word.

The sum of the num­bers in three of the mem­bers birth dates didn’t quite tally with Dave’s pre­dic­tion, but he said he didn’t want to appear too pro­fes­sional! We should have low expect­a­tions, then we would enjoy it.

There were Charlie Chester songs, ‘Rainy Day’ and ‘Down in the Jungle’ and remin­is­cing over Ken Dodd, Chic Murray and Bob Monkhouse :-

  • A man with a long stick walked into a pub and the barman said ‘Are you a pole vaulter?’ He replied ‘ No I’m German, but how did you know my name was Walter?
  • A man bought a talk­ing dog. He took it into a pub and wagered the barman that he could talk, but the man couldn’t get the dog to talk, so he lost his money. When the man took the dog out­side, he said ‘Why didn’t you say some­thing?’ The dog replied ‘Just think how much more we will make when we go back inside tomor­row and take bets’
  • We’ve just had the 2 worst win­ters on record – Mike and Bernie!
  • A Chinese cook made a man an omelette. When he asked him how it was, he said ‘It’s rub­bery’. The Chinese cook replied ‘Thank you very much, I’m glad you liked it’
  • What’s the dif­fer­ence between a Chiropodist and a Drummer? Can you remem­ber? I can’t read my notes as I was laugh­ing too much!
  • During WW2 a couple were in bed when the air raid siren went. He couldn’t find his teeth, to which his wife said ‘We’re dodging bombs not eating pies’
  • A recruit for the army was having his med­ical, and the Doctor said ‘You’re not very well endowed’ to which he said ‘I thought we were only sup­posed to be fight­ing the Germans’.

Comedians have any­thing, includ­ing nuts and bolts, thrown at them, if they are not being well received. And who goes to the trouble to take a dead cat to a show, to throw at the enter­tainer? However, they can retali­ate with put downs :-

  • 2 rather large ladies heck­ling in the front row, to which Dave said ‘When is Cinderella coming?’
  • To another large lady giving him some grief he said ‘I know it’s rude to ask a lady her age, so how much do you weigh?’
  • Once he saw a lady crying her eyes out at his per­form­ance, so Dave said ‘Madam, I’m glad you are moved by my act’, to which she replied ‘Why don’t you…………!’
  • Dave had a mince pie once dir­ectly in the face. He thought ‘Either they are get­ting more accur­ate, or I’m get­ting slower’.
  • After a rous­ing couple of songs accom­pa­ny­ing him­self on the guitar, a lady was crying in the front row. He said ‘I’m glad you enjoyed that’. She said ‘I didn’t. I’m a musi­cian’.

Dave involved some unsus­pect­ing Probus mem­bers, seem­ingly des­troy­ing their £20 note, bam­booz­ling them with sleight of hand, and get­ting Graham to blow a bazooka! You should take it up pro­fes­sion­ally Graham! Only joking.

Some double-entendres were sprinkled in amongst the humour, magic and singing. I didn’t get any of them!?*

A very enter­tain­ing morn­ing, which sent us home smil­ing.